Snoova's Top 10 - THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT G.I. JOE THE MOVIE

Snoova's Top 10

Things I DON'T Like About The 1987 Movie

    For a few years, at the beginning of the G.I. Joe toyline, we would get a 5-part cartoon mini-series to go along with the current wave of figures.  In 1987, however, we were given a whole movie!  Originally planned to be shown in theaters, G.I. Joe: The Movie went straight to video instead.  This decision was made following Transformers: The Movie not performing up to expectations at the box office.

    Back in 1986, several of my friend's and I saw the Transformers movie in the theaters.  Though it mainly featured new characters and contained several shocking moments, we loved it!  So I definitely had high hopes for the G.I. Joe movie.  Unfortunately, those hopes were shattered before my very eyes as I tuned in to watch it on my TV.

    So what was the big deal?  What was so BAD about it?  Well, here are 10 things, in no particular order, that I found really disappointing about G.I. Joe:  The Movie...

#10 - NO ROCKIN' SOUNDTRACK!?!?

    One of the awesome elements of the Transformer movie was the music featured and the soundtrack that was released to stores.  You had a spectacular score done by Vince Dicola and on top of that, several additional rock tunes that really set the scene for the movie.  From the dark, foreboding sounds of "Unicron's Theme" to the hope-inspiring "The Touch"... the music really set the tone for many defining moments.  I still love the disc to this day!

    G.I. Joe:  The Movie had the awesome intro song... and that's it.  Nothing else.  I really think including more stand out music could have helped improve some scenes, but it was not meant to be.

#9 - WHERE IS ALL THE NEW STUFF???

    The G.I. Joe cartoons get a bad rap for being "glorified commercials".  WELL NOT HERE!!!  Look at your 1987 G.I. Joe catalog...  there are over 30 new figures available and that's not including Battle Force 2000 or any mail-ins.  From that WHOLE thing you have 5 new Joe recruits, the 3 Joe Renegades, and the 3 Cobra-La goobers (Pythona and Big Lob don't count as they weren't released as figures).  So 11 of new figures were used.  Not ONE new vehicle was featured.  Especially the biggest deal in the 1987 series - the Defiant Space Shuttle, wasn't even used!

    Yeah, yeah, I know... they were probably working on the movie long before they knew what was getting released that year.  It was probably a mercy - otherwise instead of the cool Cobra Mamba helicopter, we could have gotten a stupid giant Cobra-La grubworm.  Ugh...

#8 - BYE BYE OLD TOYS

    It's a known fact that Transformers the Movie was getting rid of old characters to make room for the new.  G.I. Joe's movie only attempted this with 2 characters - Duke and Cobra Commander.  Duke was supposed to die and Cobra Commander would be turned into a snake that eventually slithered away.  The plan for Duke was changed to him going into a coma (following the backlash from Optimus Prime's death).  I feel like both of these ideas fell a bit flat.

    I am thankful though, that there wasn't a scene where several Joes got blown away!  

#7 - SERPENTOR'S "ORIGIN"

    Sorry Dr. Mindbender, we are retconning your brilliant concept of creating Serpentor to being that you weren't smart enough to come up with the idea yourself.  Instead, a little Cobra-La bug had to plant it in your brain.

    This weakened Mindbender in my opinion.  Being the "mad scientist" of Cobra and coming up with the plan for Serpentor showed that this guy was serious trouble for the Joes.  What would he come up with next?  Nevermind, his "feeble mind" just couldn't do it...  Good thing we have Golobulas!  Ugh...  

#6 - COBRA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA

    Easily the worst battle-cry ever invented...  

    I have a hard time envisioning a bunch of Hasbro executives previewing this movie, hearing that nonsense, and going "wow, that was cool."  Let's move on...

#5 - COBRA COMMANDER'S ORIGIN

    I was so annoyed when people would ask me if Cobra Commander was a "snake man" under the mask!  Of course not!  The troopers and officers aren't snake-people.  What a dumb idea!  I'll admit, even I was confused along the way about elements of the toyline - Destro's helmet..?  Major Bludd's arm..?  But we knew they were human!  So Cobra Commander is too, right?  Wrong.  Nevermind, he is a blue bug guy from Cobra-La.

    Seriously, when they revealed his backstory for the first time, I was ready to quit G.I. Joe right there.  I could not believe what I had just seen!  I only hoped it would be explained away by the end of the movie, but it wasn't.  Thankfully, the comic avoided this ridiculous idea.

#4 - COBRA IS NOW USELESS

    One of the truly pathetic parts of the movie is anytime Cobra is trying to accomplish something and fail...  So Pythona or Nemesis Enforcer need to step in to take care of the situation.  I felt like once Cobra-La was introduced, Cobra ceased to be useful and were unneeded.  

    For example, the scene where the Dreadnoks are ordered to break the B.E.T. free.  They are all chopping away to no avail.  Oh here comes Nemesis Enforcer!  He pushes the chumps out of the way and takes care of it - no problem!  Moments like this were disappointing!

#3 - "SO BEGINS THE DAWN OF OUR INVINSIBILITY"

    Destro utters this phrase as he watches one of those crazy rocket-plant-spore things blast into the atmosphere.  I couldn't believe how stupid this statement was.  We have already dumbed down Dr. Mindbender and ruined Cobra Commander, so let's drop Destro's value as well.  He was one of Cobra's most brilliant minds.  He was their weapons designer and supplier, not to mention a capable battle commander!  But hey, "Cobra-La is going to turn everything I know into a zombie-infested wasteland.  My genius-self will have no problem switching from computers and technology to bugs and algae."  

    Hey Destro, what is the chance Cobra-La won't turn on YOU?  Everything you are is everything they stand against.  Maybe after your victory, you could trade that metal mask in for a nice insect one?

    

#2 - G.I. JOE IS USELESS

    Once the giant grubworms started attacking, the Joes were done.  I mean, you are blasting a flesh and blood creature with a Mauler cannon and it does NOTHING!!  I mean seriously, if Cobra-La was so indestructible, why did they hide and wait for the "proper time".  It seems to me they would have easily thought humanity never stood a chance in the first place!

    When I first saw the scene where the giant grubs are smashing Joe vehicles and taking no damage, I was really concerned what next year's 1988 G.I. Joe catalog was going to look like.  "Hey wow, I got the Cobra-La Grubworm for Christmas!!  It comes with Grub-Viper!"

#1 - NO TIME TO SHINE

    The few new characters introduced were cool, but so few of them got a chance to really shine.  Jinx was well done and Falcon had a good story arc.  Other characters like poor Chuckles didn't even get any dialog.  Obviously we got to see how FANTASTIC the Cobra-La folks were, but the Joes got a bit short-changed here.  I really would have liked to see more of the other new Joes!

    One of the great things about G.I. Joe is that every character brings something unique to the table.  I like that certain characters complement others, while some characters clash and are very different.  I like when it's the effort put forth by the TEAM - united, that victory is assured.  

    So there you have it - 10 Things I Don't Like About G.I. Joe: The Movie!  Did I think it was horrible?  Ehh, close but no.  I just remember walking away feeling crushed after watching this movie.  It was very disappointing.  I was ready to give up G.I. Joe!

    Thankfully by 1988 Cobra-La was merely a small bump in the road that was now behind us.  No bug-vehicles were in the 1987 catalog.  The cartoons stopped (temporarily) so we didn't see the continuation of that storyline.  Also the comics totally ignored Cobra-La (thank you Larry Hama!!!).  So I stayed in collecting a few more years.

    This is simply my opinion.  If you liked the Movie and Cobra-La, that's great!  It just wasn't for me!  We all enjoy different things throughout the G.I. Joe history and they all add color to it's enduring legacy.  Believe it or not, there are a few things I did enjoy about the Movie...

 Snoova's Top 5

Things I DO Like About The 1987 Movie

    Okay, so I had some negative things to say regarding G.I. Joe: The Movie!  HOWEVER.....  there are a few elements I thought were done rather well.  Unfortunately I couldn't come up with "10" for a Top 10 List, so we will just have to settle for 5.  That's not bad though!  At least there is something worth praising!  Let's take a look at what they are...

#5 - FANTASTIC INTRO!!!

    I think nearly every Joe fan can agree that the intro sequence at the Statue of Liberty was amazing!  I like how dark and foreboding it started with Cobra beginning their attack.  Then it transitioned into a powerful version of the G.I. Joe theme song!  

    In this short sequence we are treated to several quick scenes of individual Joes in action.  We see Alpine take down a Firebat, Snake Eyes with his cool "flip the Cobra out of the Flight Pod" maneuver, and finishing it off with Duke saving the day!  The final scene being the Joes on top of the Statue of Liberty with the American Flag.  Wow!

#4 - GREAT ANIMATION!

    I think the animation of the movie was far more crisp and clear than anything we had previously been seeing in the TV cartoon series.  They had stepped it up a notch for the Transformers movie, so I think it was fair to assume the Joe movie would do the same.  The animators did a great job!

    While Transformers would take us to different planets throughout space, all with their own unique landscapes, the Joe movie would be stuck trying to give you something unique on Earth.  So we got Cobra-La Land.  It was certainly bizarre and other-worldly looking.  Ehh, not my cup of tea, but still visually interesting.

#3 - BASIC TRAINING!

    Seeing the Joes in training was very cool.  It's strange to think, that with all the new Joes coming in every year, we never got to see what they have to go through to join the team.  It was nice having a spotlight on Beach Head, one of my favorite characters.  It was also a nice introduction to the new guys and what they are capable of.  

    We also get to see Sgt. Slaughter training some wildcards on the Joe Team.  The training here was more harsh and complex for these "renegades" that were tough to tame.  Yet Sarge gets them turned in the right direction!

#2 - JINX!

    While some of the new Joes got a chance to show what they could do, it was Jinx that was really cool to see.  Showing her skill fighting blindfolded and mopping the floor with Beach Head, and at the end - kicking the snot out of Pythona.  It would have been great to see more of her in future cartoons alongside the other ninjas!

#1 - INFLITRATION OF THE TERROR DROME!

    By far, one of the coolest scenes was Sgt. Slaughter and the Renegades sneaking into the Terror Drome - with the challenge of NO WEAPONS!  Getting to see some of it's extensive layout and even some Vipers playing cards!  Another plus was seeing the Renegades facing facts that they were a team - something they had a hard time understanding.

    I will say it was certainly shocking to see them blow the whole thing to smithereens!  Not sure how many of those Cobra troops jumped out at the last minute like they do out of HISS Tanks and Fang copters!!

    So there you go - 10 things I didn't like and 5 I ACTUALLY did like about G.I. Joe:  The Movie.  I will add one more little bonus thing I liked - Sgt. Slaughter pulverizing Nemesis Enforcer and saying "This one's for Duke..." and so on!  It's not a major scene, but it's great!

    What did you like or dislike about the Movie?  Did you find it too way off-track like I did?  Or were you cool with the change in direction?  Let me know in the thoughts below!