Snoova's Top 10 - WORST G.I. JOE QUOTES, Part II

Snoova's Top 10

WORST G.I. JOE QUOTES, Part 2!!!

    As if the first round of Worst G.I. Joe Quotes wasn't enough... it's time for Round 2!!  This was such an odd addition to the file cards that started appearing in 1992.  They didn't really add anything to the character, if anything, it took away.  Unfortunately, it's obvious the writers often did not do their homework on their subjects.

    So let's take a look and see another 10 goofy quotes that your G.I. Joe characters are apparently saying!

#10 -  GENERAL HAWK  (1993 / Star Brigade / Armor-Tech)

"If you can't stand the heat, stay away from the sun."

    What does this have to do with anything???  Who exactly is he talking to?  This dumb quote is from the guy IN CHARGE of the whole G.I. Joe Team???  How did this quote get said?  Did Countdown say "I'm worried about those approaching B.A.A.T.s, sir!"  ...And this was Hawk's reply?

    It really is an insult to Hawk.  It just dumbs him down and that's not what we want from our head honcho!!!  

#9 - LOW-LIGHT  (1993 / Dino-Hunter)

"I predict a successful mission... as long as those dinosaurs aren't hungry!"

    Clearly Low-Light has not been watching any of the Jurassic Park movies!  When are dinosaurs not hungry???  It appears they always eat!!  Does anyone think a person or animal could waltz right out in front of a meat-eating dinosaur, and the dinosaur just looks away - "nah, I already ate..."?  I didn't think so.

    I guess to ensure a successful mission, the Dino-Hunters could just dump a crap-load of cheeseburgers on Cobra Island!!  Then they would have nothing to worry about.  I think?

#8 - RED NINJA  (1993 / Ninja Force)

"We spin n' chop our enemies faster than frogs in blenders!"

    Well thanks for the lovely visual Red Ninja!  I kinda think these guys DON'T do this as Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes mop the floor with them every time you turn around.  With a quote like this I envision the Red Ninja's "ninja move" would be to spin around like a top with his axe hanging out, and hoping for the best.

    Most likely this quote is referring to his Battle Axe vehicle.  Although that is NOT how it works... just spinning around like mad...?  A Red Ninja might get a little dizzy after entering combat like that! 

#7 - T.A.R.G.A.T.  (1993 / Star Brigade)

"You think skydiving to Earth from a plane is dangerous, try doing it from a Cobra Invader orbiting the Moon!"

    Unfortunately, a common thread with these quotes, is highlighting a flaw or many flaws with the figure.  So what's wrong here?  First, shouldn't the TARGAT be orbiting Earth?  That's a long way to "skydive" from the Moon to Earth.  I don't think it works like that.  Second, the Invader is a one man vehicle.  Do you just leave it, and it's useful weaponry, floating around the Moon while you make your big jump to Earth??  

    The last one is the worst... dude has NOTHING TO STOP HIM FROM HITTING THE GROUND!!!  The original figure had a flight-pack that would help him as he re-entered the Earth's atmosphere.  This guy has nothing!!!  The quote needs to be re-worded as "You think skydiving to Earth from a plane is dangerous, try doing it from space with nothing to stop you from hitting the ground!"

#6 - DESTRO  (1993 / Star Brigade Armor-Tech)

"Someday the Earth will bow at my feet, and then I'll drop kick it like a football!"

    Why Destro?  I mean, if you WANT the Earth to bow at your feet, and then they DO bow at your feet...  Why would you be so upset you would kick the Earth like a football?  Isn't that what you want Destro?  Never satisfied huh?  "Destro you are the best!",  "What??  How dare you!"  (kick).  How stupid!  How do you kick the Earth like a football anyways?  Would that knock it out of orbit?  I mean, YOU need to live there too.

    Unfortunately this quote takes an established, brilliant character, and turns him into an idiot!  Ugh...

#5 - BARRICADE  (1993)

"Never kick down a door that you can blow down with a Satchel Charge!"

    You don't come with a satchel charge, Barricade!?!?!  Even your file card diagram doesn't list that you have a satchel charge anywhere on your person or thaat you use them!!!  On the other hand, you ARE a "Bunker Buster" that comes with a "battering ram gun"!!  Why don't you use the actual weapon you came with??  Maybe that will knock the door down?  Sheesh, the answer seems so clear!!! 

#4 - CHUN LI  (1993 / Street Fighter)

"I'm the strongest woman in the world!"

    MY... don't we think highly of ourselves?  We need you to have a little humility here Chun Li.  So why do you claim to be the strongest in the world?  What gives you the idea you have this title?  Are we talking physical strength or something else?  Chun Li was a favorite of mine to play in Street Fighter, but it wasn't because of strength.  I often picked her, Vega or Cammy because I prefer speed and agility over strength in my character.

    I, myself, don't consider Street Fighter figures to be actual Joes.  Some people do though and I understand why.  These figures also have silly quotes and I thought I would pick one to be included on this list.

#3 - ROADBLOCK  (1993 / Star Brigade)

"The only way I like Cobra is how I like astronaut food:  freeze dried!"

    Roadblock is a gourmet chef... does he really like astronaut food???  Doesn't sound like something he would enjoy to me.  I know, we are supposed to imagine that Roadblock can turn nasty 'ol astronaut food into tasty dishes, but he is saying he likes his astronaut food freeze dried.

    Also... how do you freeze-dry an Astro-Viper?  Are they allowed to do that???

#2 - GUNG-HO  (1993 / Mega Marines)

"This isn't another 'bug hunt" - it's war!"

    Okay, the problem isn't so much what he says... it's what it really means.  You see, Kenner had released the Aliens toyline.  The "good guys" in this battle were the Colonial Marines.  These Marines often referred to the insect-ish creatures they fought - as "bugs".  In fact, one figure in the Kenner line wore a shirt that stated "no bugs".

    Well, Hasbro is going to step up to the plate and combat this new toyline with their OWN Marines and creatures - the Mega-Marines and the Mega-Monsters.  This phrase of Gung-Ho's is really revealing on Hasbro's idea to compete in this arena.  The Mega-Monsters don't resemble bugs at all.  So the phrase falls flat and reads silly.

#1 - MAJOR BLUDD  (1994)

"Throw another Joe on the barby, mate."

    What a wasted opportunity here!!!  You literally have the ONE GUY in the entire toyline that is a reputed "bad poet" and you have a spot on the file card for a quote and you don't use it for a little, dumb poetic verse???  This is the only guy you could really get away with that and instead you give him this silly line that means nothing?  Someone really dropped the ball on this one!!

    Well, there you go!  Another round of 10 of the Worst G.I. Joe Quotes!  What a treat that was, huh?  Unfortunately it's easy to see that Hasbro wasn't looking for someone that was educated or familiar with the toyline when they hired for the "G.I' Joe Quote Writer" job position.  So we are left with several oddities on the file cards that were perfectly set up to give us a good laugh decades later and that's what's important!  Right???

Credits:  Pics came from the G.I. Joe HQII box artwork in my collection!