Snoova's Top 10 - WORST G.I. JOE QUOTES!!!

Snoova's Top 10

WORST G.I. JOE QUOTES!!!

    So as I was working on one of the write-ups for a figure one day, I noticed the quote and thought "wow, that has to be the stupidest quote ever".  Later, on another figure, I had the same thought... and then again.  So it got me thinking "what truly are the stupidest quotes Hasbro has ever come up with for these guys?"  This meant I had to delve into all the figures with quotes, which wasn't a thing till 1992.  Now this isn't ALL the stupid quotes... just 10 of them!!  I think I have a Part II of this list coming up.

    Anyways, after much research, here is what I have.  In no particular order...

#10 -  VIPER (1994)

"If you want to get anywhere in Cobra, you have to start out as a Viper."

    Okay, so in the G.I. Joe Universe - this is a true statement.  So it isn't exactly "dumb", it's just exceptionally dull!!!  It's a line from the original file card, it was reworded slightly for the Python Patrol Viper and now, it's the 1994 Viper's quote.  I can't imagine some interviewer pulling a Viper aside and asking him what statement he would like to make to the world... and THIS is what he has to say.  I would think he had some belligerent "we're the toughest Cobra's ever, we'll stomp you into the dirt" slogan to come out of his mouth.

    Oh well.  Apparently not.  They just want you to know, if you join Cobra, here is where you start.

#9 - BARBECUE (1992 / Eco-Warrior)

"Makes no difference to me if it's a four-alarm fire or a warehouse full of oozing toxic sludge, as long as I get to knock down doors with my fire axe, you can count me in!"

    First of all, this quote takes up a decent amount of real estate on the file card.  It could have been shortened and left more room for info on the character.  This quote DOES make sense though and kind of gives you a sense of his original job vs his new one.  

    Second of all, HE DOESN'T COME WITH A FIRE AXE!!!  Thank you Hasbro for highlighting the fact that the figure does NOT come with what was an awesome accessory with the first figure.  

#8 - AMBUSH  (1993 / Dino Hunter)

"Trying to capture a dinosaur is like wrestling a whale in a fish tank!"

    ??????  What???  Okay Ambush, we get it - you are a Dino Hunter now.  You go after dinosaurs.  I don't think you capture them by hand, do you?  I would think this quote would make sense if you were trying to capture the dinosaurs with only your bare hands and strength.  Wouldn't you be setting traps with nets and cages?  Also, I don't know if you have ever wrestled a whale either.  Can you fairly make that assumption?  Doesn't strike me as something you (or anyone) would attempt to do.

#7 - BIG BEAR  (1992)

"You G.I. Joes!  Airborne troops afraid to fall without parachutes!  No guts!"

    You are absolutely right Big Bear!  So why don't YOU go first... and show the rest of us how it's done!  Show us how "gutsy" you are, pal!  Moron!!!

    Yeah, yeah, he's with the Oktober Guard and doesn't like the Joes.  Whatever...  We couldn't come up with anything better here?  Was the writing department at lunch and someone just blurted this out so they could make the deadline?  I don't know.

#6 - COBRA EELS (1992)

"Were they soggy saboteurs of the sea, we're the Cobra Eels, we're wet and wild."

    Part of the problem here is that it sounds like an ad for a Slip n' Slide!  You know those things you roll out across your lawn, hook a hose up and then run and slide down it?  Yeah, those are probably "wet and wild" too.

    The biggest problem though, is the word "soggy".  Seriously???  A "soggy saboteur" does not sound all that threatening!  I mean, there is a lot of words that could have sounded better than this.  Maybe "sneaky", "deadly", "ruthless", "diabolical", "stealthy", or "treacherous", to name a few.

#5 - KEEL-HAUL  (1993)

"I don't know which is better, commanding an aircraft carrier or flying jets, that's why I do both!"

    Gee, nowhere on his file card does it mention what a pompous braggart this guy is!  Hey Keel-Haul, you forgot to mention all the cash you have, your dashing good looks, that you were Captain of the football team, and the fact that still to THIS DAY - your hometown Walmart has not had a better grocery bagger than YOU!  

    By the way, you can't command your aircraft carrier from the air.  You may have the ability to do both, but you can't do both at the same time.

#4 - MIRAGE  (1993 / Mega Marines)

"Bazookas are OK, but I'll take a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher any day!"

    No you won't Mirage... Hasbro did not give you a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher.  You have one with a "flamethrower" underneath it, like Blast Off.  I doubt you'll have any luck, or accuracy, putting that thing up on your shoulder.

    Besides, a bazooka IS a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher...  is it not?  Seriously, what is this quote trying to say?  Other than AGAIN highlighting an accessory he does not come with...

#3 - ROCK N' ROLL  (1993 / Star Brigade Armor-Tech)

"Toasting marshmallows or roasting Cobra BAATs, it's tough to decide which is more fun."

    What does toasting marshmallows have to do with space?  Rock N' Roll has plenty of hobbies like surfing and playing bass guitar.  It would make more sense to use one of those in the quote.  Toasting marshmallows brings imagery of camping out, something Outback might be doing, not the guy in space.  It's just bizarre.  If you read the rest of the file card though, the whole thing is weird!?!?!

#2 - ICE CREAM SOLDIER (1994)

"Eating ice cream without hot fudge is like fighting without ammunition!"

    I don't think so!!  In fact, YOU are the ONLY one to subscribe to that theory Mr. ICS!  The quote itself is dumb in it's own right.  It leads you to believe the guy has something to do with ice cream, but the file card states it is just cover for him.  It never says that he is a big fan of ice cream with chocolate splatters all over his face, that is merely what the enemy PERCIEVES.  In fact, he is supposedly a barbecue chef.  So do we like ice cream or not dude?

    Also, dude is a flamethrower...  Instead of ammunition, shouldn't it be like fuel for his flamethrower or something? 

#1 - BANZAI  (1993 / Ninja Force)

"To get in touch with my inner self, I always practice my nunchakus with my eyes closed!"

    Well, here we go again... Hey Banzai, open your eyes, because you don't come with nunchakus.  Wow, I think someone at Hasbro was doing their job with THEIR eyes closed.  Hey Hasbro, not only does Banzai not come with nunchakus, but NUNCHUK, released the year prior, DID.  You know, the Nunchaku Ninja from the last series?  Maybe Banzai can borrow his?

    Also, I don't know how long he has practiced this way, but I'm sure he ended up cross-eyed on more than one occasion when he was starting out!

    There you have it... a handful of some of the worst quotes in G.I. Joe.  Having quotes on the Transformers' Tech-Specs was okay.  I don't feel like they added anything to the G.I. Joe file cards though.  In fact, they kind of take-away, if anything.  Especially when the person writing them, is not doing their homework on the figure and what accessories they come with.  We will have to re-visit the quotes at some point and see what else they have out there.

Credits:  All the pictures are from the cardbacks in my collection, except for Big Bear - which is from the G.I. Joe HQII box art (also in my collection).