Snoova's Top 10 - LEAST FAVORITE COBRA VEHICLES
SNOOVA'S TOP 10
LEAST FAVORITE COBRA VEHICLES
Among ALL the incredible vehicles available in the G.I. Joe toy line between 1982 and 1994, there were some that just fell a little short in my opinion. I really don't think there were any that were completely horrible. Just some that steered a little too hard to the left for me. So with this edition of Snoova's Top 10, we are going to look at 10 vehicles that sit on the low side of my list. The reason for their presence on this list could be all kinds of things. Let's see what we got...
#10. COBRA SEA RAY (1987)
Okay, let's start off easy... I like the Sea Ray, I really do. I find this vehicle, however, a bit confusing. As a kid, I saw this as the counter to the G.I. Joe flying submarine - the SHARC. I figured it operated the same way - it was a submarine that could fly for short periods of time. As a bonus though, it could split into a sub and glider. Yet, this is NOT how it is supposed to work...
If I'm understanding correctly, the Sea Ray is actually a seaplane and lands on the water. The whole thing is not meant to dive underwater, only the front when they split. This raises a whole lot of questions though...
So if the pilot, Sea Slug, is flying around and spots something underwater, he splits the vehicle in order to dive. When this happens, is he basically abandoning the glider guy? How would they reconnect? Also how does the glider guy get onboard if the vehicle is sitting in water? What function does the glider guy have if they DON'T need to split? Could there be a scenario where the Sea Ray comes across a Skystriker and the Sea Slug splits the vehicle so he can escape and let the glider take the fight? So many questions...
In my mind, it is all one big flying submarine and it does not split!
#9. COBRA JET PACK (1987)
Okay... before the Cobra Jet Pack, the Joes had the JUMP Jet Pack. It was small, easy to transport and had a laser pistol attached to it. In 1984, Cobra had the CLAW which was more of a jetpack/glider hybrid. Then in 1987, Cobra gets this... Not exactly a leap forward.
First of all, this thing is enormous! How do you take off or land in this thing? It is unlikely a trooper could stand while this thing is attached to his back. Look at those cannons right behind his head? Remember the packaging where Crystal Ball is flying this? I always thought it looked like he was cringing from the ear-splitting roar of the cannons! You know anyone taking this into battle is coming back with a hearing loss!
Again, I don't dislike this vehicle. It just felt like a step down from other jet pack-type flying machines!
Okay, am I understanding correctly in that this simply sits in the water off the coast of Cobra Island and WAITS for the enemy to attack? It's just a floating barge with guns and a sensor array with 3 guys looking three directions? So if a G.I. Joe hovercraft comes in... One guy gets to see the action while the other two are hoping it circles around so they can get a shot. If said Hovercraft fires a missile, the Barge cannot move or maneuver - what do they do?
This sounds like another Cobra "punishment" job, like the Toxo-Viper and Desert Scorpion positions. I mean, how boring would it be... just floating there... waiting for something to happen... Hopefully you are stationed with people you like. Otherwise, that could make for a long day!! I guess another idea would be to put 3 B.A.T.s on it.
#7. DARKLON'S EVADER (Iron Grenadiers / 1989)
Man, I can't believe I'm putting an Iron Grenadiers vehicle on here!!! Again, this isn't a BAD vehicle. I guess I just think it's the wrong vehicle for Darklon. He was one of Destro's Field Commanders and a relative, so you might think he would get some special treatment. Nope, he gets the Evader. To me, this isn't a command vehicle. It sits low to the ground and has little wheels. It doesn't look like it could effectively lead a squad of DEMON tanks into battle. It would likely get crushed! It looks like a vehicle used for stealth. Darklon was a leader though, not a saboteur.
It would be better if he had something that put him where he can be seen by his troops and give orders. Look at Serpentor and his Air Chariot, Overlord and the Dictator or Destro and his Despoiler… Darklon will be barking orders and get ran over by a DEMON Tank trying to get close enough to hear what he's saying.
#6. COBRA HOVERCRAFT (Battlefield Robots / 1989)
Oh gee whiz... I would appreciate help with this one!!! These "Battlefield Robots" came out about the time I was walking away from G.I. Joe. There was 2 on the Joe side and 2 for Cobra. I saw them and didn’t understand what they were. To this day I still don't get it...
“Battlefield Robots”....? I figured they were “robots” that functioned on their own, without need of a pilot or driver. Yet they all have seats for someone to command them. So why are they called “robots”? Why are people driving them?? Why do the Joes and Cobra each have two??? Usually there is some kind of backstory when both sides have a similar weapon or vehicle. Furthermore, they are all silver… There has been no effort on either side to camouflage these things… Why???
One is called the Cobra Devastator, and it looks okay. The second one, the Cobra Hovercraft doesn't even get a name... This thing looks like a brick of Ramen noodles with missiles and a fan. It probably couldn't even chip the paint on the G.I. Joe WHALE.
#5. COBRA FANG II (1989)
From the outside, I think this vehicle had a cool look to it. It is NOT a gyrocopter like the original FANG, and that's awkward, but I guess we can let that go... The problems with this vehicle are a little more difficult to see.
First, without the missiles, it doesn't look anywhere as interesting. So if you lose them or your Fang fires them, it will look pretty dull. Next, it has no way or landing. There are no skids or landing gear. So it simply falls backwards. Finally, the mechanism that holds the VTOL wings gets loose easily, causing them to roll whereever. It was a good idea, the execution was just a bit off.
Oh my!?!?! This one is a wild one. This vehicle was from the Ninja Force sub-group and included the figure Red Ninja. Soooooo... what is this thing? This does not look like anything that anyone would drive down a street. It's not a tank, not a jeep, not even a car. The wheels are small. If this thing was cruising down a city street, it looks like he will get stuck on the curb.
How is this effective against anyone? How do you fight ninjas with this thing? You got one good swing and if you miss, that enemy ninja will probably jump on and you're done. How about troops or enemy tanks? You have a few guns, but you have no armor or cover. One hit and this thing is toast. On the upside, the gimmick is fun. I'll give it that.
#3. SEPTIC TANK (Eco-Warriors / 1992)
First - worst name ever! Second - almost the worst colors ever! I understand updating (or downgrading, however you look at it) the HISS Tank for the evil Eco-Warriors. Couldn't we have gone with something more Cobra-ish though? Maybe purple even? The orange and green are hard to look at.
The water-squirt gun thing is kinda neat. It makes for a massive cannon, but it's an alright feature, I suppose. Last, this vehicle needed a figure. A specific figure qualified to operate this vehicle. If we are sticking with the Septic Tank name, I suggest the driver name to be - Crap-Viper!
#2. COBRA LIQUIDATOR JET (1992)
Wow! Look at the Cobra Rattler... amazing!!! Then the Night Raven... outstanding!!! Then the Condor... spectacular!!! Then this??? What happened? You would think that Hasbro would've looked at their past victories in the toy line and tried to crank it up another notch.
Nope, instead we get a water-gun plane called the "Liquidator". Ha ha, get it - the Liquidator? It shoots water!?!? And again, no figure. I just can't see how we managed to sink so low here. It boggles the mind. It's just very underwhelming where past vehicles have been awe-inspiring! There is just not much more I can say about this one, I'm just not a fan of it.
Okay, I was wrong. I said there wasn't really any BAD vehicles. There is one - this one right here! This vehicle is probably one of the most loathed of all G.I. Joe vehicles. This "hovercraft" had two features - rotating blades on the front and a rotor blade that shot off the side. It carried only one figure with no room for others. Worst of all, it doesn't float, because it was HOLLOW!?!?! There is literally no underside to this thing... Nothing! I can’t believe someone at Hasbro looked this vehicle over and nodded and said “yes, this will do!"
The artwork on the box looked pretty good. Unfortunately, it's all downhill from there. This was such a disappointing toy to open back in the day. That said, this toy WAS the catalyst to me coming back into the Joe World. Watching HCC788's review of it got me binge-watching all his other reviews. So, in the long run, I guess this toy managed to do something good!
So there we go... my least favorite Cobra vehicles. Not vehicles I hate, just vehicles that for one reason or another, sit at the bottom of my list.
So what are your thoughts? What would make up YOUR list of "not-favorites"? Are there any vehicles you flat out, do not like at all? Let me know in the comments below!
Credits: All the pics came from the original G.I. Joe catalogs from my collection, except the Septic Tank - which was from the 1991 Impel card series.
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