Snoova's Top 10: LEAST FAVORITE FIGURES
Snoova's Top 10 returns, but this time we are going the opposite way! Instead of a list of the BEST figures, it's a list of my LEAST favorite figures! I will go on record and say that there are NO Joe figures I absolutely hate! There ARE some however, in the span of the G.I. Joe Line's 13 year run, that really fell short of the awesomeness we are used to seeing. These are figures I am just not fond of at all. Figures I have to question what in the world Hasbro was thinking when they chose the colors, the name, the concept or whatever it was that places these guys at the bottom end of the scale.
Different aspects of these figures speak to us in different ways. Someone's least favorite is likely someone else's most favorite. I know some of the figures that I like are seriously disliked by others, and that's okay. There is no right or wrong with any of our picks. These are simply MY least favorites and I'll try to explain why. I have listed them in alphabetical order. First up is...
1.) B.A.A.T. - Battle Armored Android Troopers (Star Brigade, 1993)
Sigh... in my opinion, the B.A.T. Version 1 was one of the best figures in the whole line!! But the third version of the B.A.T.? Oh how the mighty have fallen...
First of all, the idea is great! Android troopers in space, Cobra can deploy them by the dozens and the Joes can blast away to their heart's delight! Unfortunately, all the elements that made the original B.A.T. special are GONE! The cool "T" faceplate, the lenticular sticker, the sculpted mechanical detail, the various hand attachments and storage. Gone, all gone!!!
There is a real danger knowing you are taking the battlefield with an army of emotionless robots armed with lasers and missiles, attacking anyone and everyone in sight. But just looking at it... there is nothing that says such a thing. It could be anyone in that armor. As a figure, it has a cool look... but there are things we come to expect from a B.A.T., and this isn't it!!!
I still recall getting the catalog booklet for this series and seeing Cobra La and thinking "huh??" What are these guys supposed to be? For the cartoon to be redirecting into a MOVIE with these guys at the heart of it - there was little attention given to them at the start. They didn't seem to have any connection to anything. Only "Cobra" was in their name. Weird...
Then I got the 3-pack for Christmas. There was a lot of interesting detail. The texture patterns on all three figures or the unique designs that went with them was unlike anything we had seen before. But Golobulas was a mess! That snake tail of his did not work in any shape or form. I always had to have him leaning against something. Even then, he would tower over everyone else and just look out of place. He also fell over all the time. He was no threat to my Joes what-so-ever. Seriously, one good shove and even the weakest Joe could conquer this guy. The snake tail couldn't be used to make him stand, it couldn't coil around his foes... nothing. Unfortunately, in my collection, Golobulas was basically worthless.
3.) MUSKRAT (v3) - Heavy-Fire Specialist (Battle Corps/D.E.F., 1993)
Say it isn't so... This is NOT Muskrat is it??? You know, this look with wild colors and crazy gear will work for several characters. Sadly, Muskrat is not one of them. This is our boy that's supposed to be trudging down in the swamps chasing Cobra Troops and avoiding alligators, cruising in the Swampmasher or riding his swamp boogie-board.
No. Now he has retired his shotgun and machette for a missile launcher that attaches to the helmet on the side of his head!?!?! Yes... THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD... This guy must have incredibly powerful neck muscles! I'm sorry, but it's hard to believe someone OK'd this concept...
4.) NIGHT CREEPER (v2) - Cobra Ninja (Ninja Force, 1993)
I believe I saw them in the comics before I saw them in figure form. They looked menacing with their insectoid-looking helmet and the fur-like cape thing on their backs. Well, it didn't translate to the figure well...
Instead we got this figure with the big ol' light bulb looking head and no fur cape. The package art even shows the cape... but it's not there. This figure looks nowhere as sleek or sinister as the first version. And his uniform... is that purple or lavender??? Whatever... it doesn't work for me...
The B.A.T.s are mindless. Remember the file card that clearly states "they will kick, shoot and bayonett anything in sight"? Well, how are they to follow ANY kind of leader or instruction? Okay, anyways... the idea is a little ridiculous, but I've made ridiculous work in the world of G.I. Joe before and been happy with it. He looks like a robot, but not necessarily much like a B.A.T. That's okay too I guess...
My main issue with this guy is directly with the figure. First, with that massive heavy "talking" backpack, my Overkill would constantly fall backwards. Then we have the chest that opens up to reveal some machine guns. Great idea, but you have to swing his arm all the way backwards to open it... and even then, it still doesn't open very well. Then you have his gun... what is that thing? There is no barrel... looks like part of a crutch or something...? The concept of this character is a stretch, but handled right, could have been pretty cool. It wasn't handled right...
6.) JERKFACE-VIPER... sorry, SAW-VIPER - Cobra Machine Gunner, (1990)
Maybe it's silly, but I haven't liked this guy since the comic where he killed several Joe characters. I didn't like him then and I don't like him now either. Typically, my Joe universe is not defined by what happens in any of the media. But the comic did a good job getting the readers to despise this guy! Snake Eyes and the other ninjas eventually took the SAW-Viper down, but they didn't show it, so I never really got any conclusion to that whole ordeal.
Another thing is, I did not like his crazy-exaggerated gun! I always thought Roadblock was exceptional because he carried and used his .50 Caliber machine by hand. But the SAW-Viper's weapon was enormous... and he technically is an army builder. So how many people does Cobra have that can handle that thing?
Red Ninjas have been in the comic series since Storm Shadow was introduced back in Issue #21. So by the time we got this figure in 1993, Joe fans were well aware of what a Red Ninja was supposed to look like - and this isn't it!!! The Red Ninjas typically have a look more similar to Jinx. Instead, we got a Dice repaint. We aren't even close here. Even worse - HE'S NOT RED!!! This is a Fuchsia Ninja! That's what his name should be. This awkward mix of blue and fuchsia just does not work! Blehh
On top of all that, he is an army builder figure... and they put him with the weird Ninja Raider vehicle. Ya know, Strato-Viper is an army builder too... but I don't think many of us would mind having an extra Night Raven or two sitting around. I'm not sure anyone is wanting multiples of this vehicle...
8.) ROAD PIG (v2) - Dreadnok (Sonic Fighters, 1991)
Okay, I can only assume here... that Road Pig was using some kind of tanning cream, trying to get a nice tan look to try and impress Zarana. Unfortunately, the stuff turned him orange and now he's pretty ticked off about it. It all makes sense!
The original figure looked like he was straight out of a Mad Max movie and looked like he could put a serious hurting on you. This one looks like a clown... the orange skin, the orange and green details. What in the world happened to Road Pig??? Maybe he should have been with the Eco-Warriors?
9.) VIPER (v4) - Cobra Infantry (Battle Corps, 1994)
Like the first B.A.T., the first Viper was crazy-cool!! I'll even say I thought the Python Viper and Sonic Viper were also great!! But this one was a swing and a miss! Again, the sculpt is not bad... but the purple and red don't work for me. I think he would have stood a better chance if he had more traditional Cobra colors like blue, red and black.
Then you have the weapons... The weapon-trees that came with many 90's figures were uninspiring and dull, and this figure is a good example why. First, you have the red weapons. I already didn't like the red on the figure, now all his gear is red too. Second, I feel a Cobra Soldier needs a rifle... he doesn't have one. He has two pistols and Monkeywrench's harpoon gun??? Why does he require a harpoon gun? Is Cobra Commander is going to dispatch a whole platoon of his troops into battle and they are all carrying harpoon guns??? I said it before, I'll say it again - leave the Dreadnok weapons to the Dreadnoks!! Ugh.... This is not a horrible figure... it just falls way short of the original!!!
10.) ZARTAN (v2) - Master Of Disguise (Ninja Force, 1993)
What was SO great about the first version of Zartan? You had the great look, the color-changing skin, cool pistol, the facemask disguise he could wear or store in his backpack, the Swampskier vehicle that also changed color... So much awesomeness! Then 10 years later we get version 2 - this...
An orange mohawk? Neon orange weapons? No color change? No laser pistol? A master of disguise that has no way to disguise? Limited articulation? Why? Change any ONE of these factors and the figure immediately starts improving. I'm sure there was something in the concept art that looked intriguing... but once it all came together in figure form - it didn't work. On the upside, the storage for the throwing knives on his leg was cool and unique! Hasbro was trying, I suppose...
So that is my Top 10 Least Favorite Figures! We all have those figures that we just didn't care for... so what are yours? Do you agree with any of my choices? Who needs added to the list? Are you surprised the Lunartix Aliens aren't on the list?
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